Something that has been plaguing me for a while in my personal life, in my long battle to affliction freedom, is all the emotions I’ve had to deal with even when the communication with that person stopped. After reviewing all the responses I got from today’s QOD on twitter about 20 somethings being in love, One of my followers had me thinking of love as something you earn or deserve.I mean in our past lives did we do something so terrible that in this life we have to experience heartbreak?  or Did we love someone so beautifully that it met us in this one? or Is love something that simply doesn’t know past or present faults and desires? I started thinking how is it that people who didn’t know how to love you can love someone else? More specifically, why is it that people who hurt you are allowed to move on and be in love again, while you’re stuck picking up the pieces? Is that fair? Is it right? or Is it just life? 

These are questions I still end up trying to answer myself about my past affliction. Here I am living a single care free life which I am happy with 99.8% of the time, and there you go off in bliss with someone new. Not that being in a relationship automatically means happy, nor does being in love. I know plenty of basically married people who are not happy, and single people who are, and vice versa, but the lonely us as people sometime feel, masks itself as sadness, which makes us a think, having someone else would automatically make us happy (which is not true). The point is, knowing that the person I loved so deeply, broke my heart, and gets to be in love again is a bit disheartening. The script said it best, “She’s got his heart and my heart and none of the pain” (Change or leave sex accordingly).

How ridiculous it is, that you gave your all, and someone just didn’t want it anymore. Iyanla Vanzant said after she realized her husband, who had left her simply “changed his mind”, she was more at peace. Personally, that would not have been good enough for me. You do not simply change your mind, in relationships. You either fall out of love or the relationship falls out of convenience. I have a difficult time accepting that anyone could just change their mind about being with someone, love doesn’t allow you just pick up and go like that. 

At any rate, the more time progresses, the less I even care. Even though there is no way I would know if my ex is still happy and in love, or near homicide, (I stopped twitter stalking MONTHS ago…don’t judge me…like you’ve never done it -_^ ), I still get those stray thoughts of how happy my ex could be with the new girl. It both soothes and haunts me to think that love is just one of those things that don’t know right, wrong, accused, karma, or anything. It just happens and frankly, it just hasn’t happened for me yet.

One day I started thinking of my ex and got into one of those “why do they get to be happy, in love and not me?”, and this conversation happened in my head, ”Nai, are you happy?”, I respond by saying, “Happier than I’ve ever been”, ”so you win”, My response, “yeah, I guess I do”. Finding pure happiness is not without strife, but that’s the beauty of life. 

I know this post was completely random, but the more I write, the more I want to share myself with you guys, I hope you don’t mind, and frankly even if you did, you could just not read my blog. My experiences, my feelings, and everything in between may be a lot of things but invalid is not one of them. I tell MY truth, no one else’s. 

For anyone who’s ever been in this situation, ask yourself, those same questions; but if you’re genuinely not happy…call me for a “pick me up session” !  

-NaiOnLife

TheLove&SexIssue…Like Degrassi…It Goes There. 

If you do nothing else in this life do these three things, be genuinely grateful, love yourself and others as God loves you, and rid yourself of bad company. I would also throw laugh in there but that would make it four and I try to keep it….well nevermind you get it. Anyways, I want to specifically focus on the latter because as we are already a month into the new year, it’s hard for us to stay on the straight narrow road of accomplishing our goals. Those goals could be fitness, spiritual, career, or relationship related.  Whether we realize it or not a possible reason those goals aren’t being achieved is because of friendship circles. I’m not sure if we know this or not but the company you keep is crucial to success. 

In our young vibrant 20′s, we tend to think that anyone who has done us a solid, brought us soup when we were sick, let us borrow a killer dress to rock at a party or share any common interest as us…like drinking have the potential to make great friends and lovers. However, we later find out just how mistaken we are. I met a girl my first year of college who I thought was going to be a good friend of mine. Eventually, in fact, rather quickly, I found out she was not AT ALL someone who would be in my corner. Actually, she tried to steal my boyfriend. Was I surprised? No, I wasn’t. I noticed she showed a greater interest in him than any friend should show your boyfriend, in fact I told my boyfriend that she liked him, from the beginning, but of course no one listened to me. He thought I was paranoid, but us ladies know when someone pays a little too much attention to their significant other. That situation turned into a world wind of drama, and why? Simply because I did not listen to the whisper that said you can not keep someone around you, and consider them anything, if they are right off the back being “pasty” (as my crew would say ! )

 My logic was “well, I know what she’s about, so she can’t play me”.

I kept thinking that as long as I didn’t invite her too much into my life, we could still be cool. This was obviously a mistake because she got my boyfriend’s number from my phone, used to text him telling him I was with other guys, and eventually it broke us up…along with several other things like him flirting with her behind my back -_- , (this was my affliction just in case you didn’t know).

The point is I ignored my “spidey senses” and let her stay in my life. I can only speak for myself in this but I know for a fact that I was just too passive with allowing bad company to stay around me. Getting rid of bad company is CRUCIAL to a productive life, because they will never be the ones cheering you on but the ones holding you back. My pastor always says, “Bad company corrupts morals”, but more specifically bad company ruins your life. There are people around you who pretend to be good company but if they give you a bad vibe, that’s not in vain, really listen to yourself before they show you who they really are. Before they even get the chance to prove you right get them away from you! Bad company can not only negatively affect your life but your psyche. I am a strong believer in, you are the company you keep, if you are around negative, manipulative, jealous-hearted people, you yourself can fall victim to that! You become a product of your environment….and I mean really, who wants to be that type of person. 

 Bad company, includes friends, family members, lovers, anyone who does not have your best interest at heart. Now I know what you’re thinking, how will I know who’s bad company and who’s not. Honestly, that’s not something that I can tell you. It comes out in different ways, but specifically in that situation I just paid close attention to her actions. However, typically, I’m an eye person if I can’t trust your eyes, I know you’re not someone I should be around, I think that’s the Native (Indian) in me. 

 After that situation, and now being affliction free, I have learned something very important;

In order to reach my destiny, I have to keep people who are not for me, FAR from me.

So many great blessings happened once I got rid of people who were against me. Bad energy is contagious, just like good energy is. I am blessed enough to have so many great people around me, who are doing great things for themselves and others. I try hard to keep a good circle of people around me but God forbid, someone changes, so will our relationship. 

Whether your bad company is a friend, family member, or lover, please do your LIFE a favor and remove them. Simply say, you see the way the way life is set up, I need good people around me, not bad, you’re bad, so PINEAPPLES, I got to go. If you’re still not convinced, take a listen to what Taraji P. Henson said on Black Girls Rock, ” Surround yourself with people with your solution not your problem”. If that doesn’t speak to you I don’t know what will.

The year will be over as fast as a car crash, don’t waste another minute surrounded by people who are not for you. If you do nothing at all…please do this.

NAIONLIFE !

If you’re up at the crack of dawn then, I say Good Morning….If where you are has no light, then Good Night.This is a public service announcement, to my fellow Love&SexIssue readers. It has been brought to my immediate attention that our lives and peace of mind have been invaded by one of the most deceptive forms of the human species since the psychopath, Afflictions. If you think you could be someone who is afflicted by an affliction, please read, otherwise continue your internet journey to a blog without words. 

 Webster states that the word afflict means, “to distress so severely as to cause persistent suffering or anguish”. However, the beautiful people at the NaiOnLife original headquarters has just published a new term, Affliction. Affliction is the physical form of that, which causes severe suffering and anguish. An affliction, is a person in your life, who has or have makes you feel like finally someone understands you. They make you feel loved at just the time you need it the most, and seems to be there when life is going upside down. Afflictions are people in your life, who you obviously have a strong, soul mate like bond with, who over a course of time seem to put you through more stress, pain and aggravation than life itself. It is that person that we were/is/are “stupid” for.

We tend to see this when we are judging other people’s relationships, when we say things like, “I don’t know why you put up with that” or “I would never let someone do that to me”. Nine times out of ten, the person you said that about, had an affliction, 10 times out of 10 you had an affliction of your own at the same time.  They say and do all the right things. They give you that incredible and painfully pleasurable feeling in your stomach, and also that notion that this will never last, but we fall for them anyway.They are charming, they are broken, and more importantly, they seem to be in an undying love for you. However, despite their charm, they possess a dark side. Not clear? Well think of that one person who you have been in a continuous I want you, but I don’t want you, love you but don’t need you, need you but don’t want you type of relationship. Their moral code lacks, well morality, and their mind lacks the greater concept of REALITY. 

Hmmph…my affliction, was in my eye, my soul mate. Everything down to how we met made me think, we HAD to be destined for greatness because WHATTT human being in their right mind would LIE about who they were…yes…who they were, just to be with me! Hmmph..my affliction was the level 12, 5 tier triple-lutz, affliction of all afflictions. Some of you guys are dealing with level 2′s….some even level 7′s, but I pray to God none of you are dealing with a level 12. 

My affliction, had manipulation down to a science, and I wore naivety almost as if I were proud. Lies on top of lies, on top of lies! I was spoon fed them every single day until the day I upchucked on the truth buried inside of me. As Oprah would say, I got whispers. However, as I look back on the situation, I got BIG GIANT BLOW HORNS, but I listened to none of it. I simply put on my Beats by Dre headphones and turned up the SSSS (stay stupid to stay sane) radio, and continued living my life.

To sum it up their was some apparent cheating, suicide threats (on their part not mine), lies, pregnancies (on their part not mine), lies, and more lies. I want to remain vague purposely because one, I do not feel like any blessings can come my way by bashing my ex, and frankly, this is only my truth and my experience, my ex could have a TOTALLY different view of how we were. I am not going to say my situation was all bad because it was not. In fact, because I knew my ex’s human potential and the life they lived before me, I was put on my therapist cape and started Operation: Captain Save a hoe, and ended up praying to be apart of Operation: affliction freedom. 

It was hard, and I will not lie to you and say that every bit of that relationship has magically eradicated itself with time because it hasn’t. Do I still love my affliction? Of course. Do I still miss my affliction? Occasionally. Do I want that relationship back? Not relationship, just connection. In dating, period, you wish the other person just knew you already so you could just let your guard down but it doesn’t happen that fast. Yes I do miss, having someone around who knows me, and let’s me just be me, but I do not miss the drama, the lies, the pain, and I will never go back looking for a relationship with that person. 

My friends, just off my experience alone have been able to identify the afflictions in their lives and I’m happy to say, they have all made peace with it. They are happy to be affliction free but it was not easy. It took several sessions, a lot of me “digging in” (A very rude controversial way of getting people to see the truth), and emotional healing on their part to help them, and it took twice as many sessions from them to help me get over mines. 

If you’re reading this and someone popped into your mind, that is probably your affliction. I dare not tell you to le them go because frankly, when you get tired, you will. All I ask is that you just IDENTIFY the affliction in your life, and consider how much hurt and pain you have taken from someone who claims to love you. Whether that person is abusing you physically, mentally or emotionally. Afflictions are divinely orchestrated for you because it seems as if only YOU would put up with the things they do to you. I am a strong believer in the notion that your pain and suffering is tailor-made. My friends could not IMAGINE being with affliction but I couldn’t imagine being with theirs either. However, just because you CAN deal with it, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to. 

My affliction taught me so much about life, and about myself. I learned what my limits were, the harsh things I was capable of saying, how well or poorly I control my temper and most importantly how amazing God is. So many great things came out of that situation, I am now grateful not hateful. After talking about this with my friend the other day, due to the impending post, she said, “you are so lucky this didn’t fuck you up”. Ever since she said that, I have been thanking God for just that. As I went through it, with no one who understood me, no one to hold me as I cried, no one to tell me I deserved more, too ashamed to talk about to anyone, God, was there for me; And he helped me see that, their were people in my life, I could talk to, and who was there to help me through it. 

At this juncture in my life, I am happy to say I am affliction free, and the only person who was stopping that was me. I kept going back, looking for love but now, I know that is not love. I urge any of you, to seriously think about how much of your life, you’re not living because of your affliction, and think about how much more you can live! 

As V-day approaches, I urge you all to be your own prince charming and save yourself from the drama. 

Please feel free to email me, twitter DM me, or facebook message me, if you want to talk about this more…I’d be more than happy to talk to you. 

Thanks for reading! 

As you guys may or may not know, I am a faithful reader of Essence magazine. In fact, my friends and I refer to ourselves as “Essence Women” because we’re all aspiring to be successful, stylish and amazingly fabulous “career girls” (said like Vita Boheme from To Wong Foo).

This month’s issue featured an article that aimed to dispel all the what seems like, down right ridiculous, relationship rules. Originally, this post was going to give you my complete and utter distaste for their advice on these rules, but since I lost my magazine and have no way of remembering every single rule, I’ll just talk about the ones I remember and the ones plaguing our generation.

 Rule one: Do not tell your partner about how many sexual partner’s you’ve had. …(Should you?)

Essence Mag said, lie or try to avoid the question all together, I totally DISAGREE, obviously. I do not believe that under any circumstance that you should lie about the amount of people you have had sex with. Anyone who has any problem with you having too many or too few sexual partner’s is not the person for you…period. I personally, have experienced this. Someone I was dating told me that they had lost count but they knew it was over 50. I was floored because we were still in our upper teens. I could not believe it, and it almost made me run for the hills but the situation was very complex and frankly, how could I, a virgin, judge someone else for their number, knowing the ridicule I get for mine. I cared for that person enough to just let it go. I had to understand that, if I could not accept them for their past long ago, I did not deserve them. There is no number too big or too small, that should shame you. Lying and avoidance is not at all an option, if the man/woman you’re dating is willing to leave you over your number, they are not the one, period.

Rule Two: Never date a friend’s ex. 

Essence Mag said, Honestly, I forgot but It it had a lot of specifications, in the end I disagreed. What I say is, at least for 20 somethings, we hold on to the people we talk to for dear life! I don’t know why, but we just do. I am guilty as well, with specific cases. Now frankly, there are not that many men around to be holding on to them forever, especially, if your interactions were not very significant. Now I do not believe dating ex’s is cool, because honestly, my partner is the ONE thing I do not want in common with anyone I know. However, for the people you were talking to and do not like, in a romantic way and have obviously put into the friend zone, put them back on the market where they belong! I’m not saying go hook your friends up with all the guys you don’t like but set them free once you realize they are not for you. You have no claim or right to them, once you BOTH have established you do not like each other “like that”. So do not get made when you see him/her with someone new, if you didn’t like them, you shouldn’t care!

Rule Three: It’s not okay to check your partner’s phone.

No, it’s not. I have said this countless times, if you are already at the point of checking someone’s phone, Facebook messages, twitter DM’s or anything that needs a password. The trust is already broken. Whether that person gave you a reason to believe they are unfaithful or not, if you strongly believe in your heart your partner is cheating, 9 times out of 10 they are..UNLESS you yourself are jealous and insecure, then it could be JUST YOU. Once you start, you won’t stop and why compromise your relationship’s trust?  Don’t worry if they are cheating, it will ALL come out to the light, I promise.

Rule Four: You can’t bring your boo everywhere you go 

No, you can’t. Thank God none of my friends have done this to me because I would flat-out say, why does your man come with us everywhere???!!!! I don’t care, I will risk sounding like a jealous, hating, single friend because it will quickly become inappropriate for your boo to be around your friends all the time. As a friend, sometimes you just want to hang out with YOUR friend, you do not want to feel like a third wheel, or like you can’t talk to your friend about the things you usually do. To my ladies who do this, it is flat-out annoying. Please try to understand that before your boo, you had a life of your own, and your friends miss having JUST YOU. I understand your time is already spread thin now that you have to juggle your friends and your partner, but you have to know what outings are appropriate. All girl events, are not for partners even if you’re a lesbian, because your relationship will change the entire dynamic of the group. Try this, all day with the girls/boys, all night with the boo; All day with the boo, all night with the girls/boys….rotate accordingly, mesh sporadically.

Rule Five: You can still be friends with your ex. 

It depends. I think some people can still be GENUINE friends with their ex. Everyone’s relationship doesn’t end on bad terms, some end with mutual understanding, and with that, genuine friendships can arise. However, you have to be able to differentiate what type of relationship you have with your ex. If it’s it, “if things were different, we could try again” (Hell NO), if it’s the “I love you as friend and see you as an old elementary school crush” (sure), or if it’s the “I don’t want you emotionally, but you give great head” (ABSOLUTELY NOT). If your ex still has feelings for you or vice versa, it’s best to leave them out of the equation, eventually, it will put you in the position to choose between past and present, and that’s not something you want to do. If you are that ex that knows you can’t friends, don’t push yourself for something you are not emotionally ready for just to be apart of that person’s life, (trust me I tried, it failed, DON’T DO IT), if you are the person in a relationship, do not think that all your ex’s JUST want to be your friend, some have an ulterior motive….. ruining your life, for instance. You have to know what is to stay in the past, join you in the present, and what is to meet you in your future, it’s difficult but possible.

Synopsis:

All of these things are great tools to think about but it is no insult to me, if you choose not to live by them. As long as you follow, William’s rule of life, your relationships will blossom or whither as God intends them to….. and that rule is…”To thine own self be true”. You will never go wrong in anything, if you follow that one simple phrase.

As a HOPEFUL romantic, I am not easily impressed by contemporary R&B, besides a few of my favs. Vintage R&B is my thing, it was just so pure, so romantic, untainted. What I like to believe real love is. I mean, Mary do we really have to talk about “Mr. Wrong” and Drake can you stop getting your heart-broken by strippers who are only using so, so I’ll know that, the brain inside your head is real? I am not going to rant but I mean real love songs no matter the state of your current status on facebook, makes you feel good, hopeful, and full of love. 

I love hearing how much people who make each other better genuinely love each other. I love hearing that one of the reasons people love each other is something other than, “well we been through a lot”. Pure love, real love, God’s love. That is what you search for, that is what you fight for, that is what you expect, and that is what you deliver. Songs like these bring me back to that place. I won’t ruin the songs with too many words but here just enjoy some tunes from the old days, even if it’s not your style, it WON’T KILL YOU to listen to them! 

Hope you enjoyed them  

I have always believed sex to be a very sacred and very spiritual act between people. For some it is merely a physical exchange of lust, love, or hormonal release. Nevertheless, no matter what your viewpoint on sex there is no denying that communication and intimacy (spark, attraction or whatever you want to call it) is the most important component to having a mind-blowing experience. Tantra is a woman I met who completely agreed with my personal convictions about sex. Tantra in this context refers to that of trying to deepen one’s intimate relationships.

Tantra allows you and your partner to see each other completely stripped of clothes, inhibitions, insecurities, and sexual hangups. It’s like playing twister with naked while meditating, although you don’t always have to be wrapped up in impossible yoga positions. Not following? Well! then let’s play my favorite game, SCENARIO!

Scenario (For couples into penetration):

Imagine sitting with your partner, legs wrapped around each other’s waist, Your partners member would be inside of you but you guys would be completely still. Your hands would be around each other’s waist and you would be staring into each other’s eyes. As you look at them directly in the eyes,breathing deeply and slowing, think to yourself what you see in their eyes? Then say them to each other. After you start feeling the love, kiss each other’s lips, or neck very slowly. {End Scene}

That is pretty McSteamy, if you asked me. But anyways that was just ONE scenario possible, there are so many ways tantra is used, so many different positions you could do. Tantra is an awesome way to take regular and very routine like sex positions into overdrive. Sex, whether it is a one night stand or a ten-year marriage, intimacy is everything. Good communication leads to great intimacy and great intimacy leads to amazing sex. If you and your partner can not openly communicate about things, especially crucial things like your feelings for each other or your sexual desires, there is no way you can reach a higher level of intimacy.

Tantra almost forces you both to be vulnerable enough to say the things you wouldn’t say normally, or too embarrassed to say. It has been accredited to be the prompt of full body orgasms and taking your sex life to unmatched spiritual level. However, deciding to engage in tantric sex is like my life long decision to be a meatarian, it’s a personal choice, you have to commit to it! Not taking the issues in your sex life seriously ensures, things will never change. I understand that actually talking about sex like an adult is a difficult and awkward thing but it’s possible. Tantra calls for devotion and maturity and she rewards commitment. But I mean hey, if you can share some a carton of ice cream and a bottle of cheap liquor, that in itself could be considered intimacy. It all depends on YOUR relationship.

In hope of keeping my blog as Under 18 friendly as possible, I will refrain from posting the video I found which is AWESOME but you will just have to deal with the link to the cosmopolitan sex positions guide to Tantra. I hope you guys will open your mind to the amazing things your body is capable of….I’ve met a lot of women in my day, writers, poets, mothers, lovers and mistresses but I never met a woman like this one….she….has something special to teach the world. She has the ability to teach us passion, love, vulnerability, uninhibited sexuality and more….and her name…….is Tantra.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tantric-sex-positions

TheLove&SexIssue…Like Degrassi….It Goes There

Too much implies that you have something in excess, that is to say that there is an extra amount of something you don’t need. Now, when you have more than you need or want, it becomes a burden. So when you “love someone too much” it means that you have now entered into a negative space with that person because they are essentially giving you something you don’t want. So this in its entirety would support the fact that the phrase “too much” in itself is negative and unhealthy. However, when you throw in the complex and immaculate phenomenon like love into this sentence, it complicates the question.

Love is not something that has a capacity or range. You will never get a notification on Facebook, a DM on twitter nor a text message telling you that you have reached your love usage level for the month. It does not happen. People blame love for things it is not responsible for, thus making us believe that it’s even possible to love someone too much.  A Parent who puts a tracking device on their child’s phone to know where they are at all times is not “loving too much”, they are flat-out overprotective, A man who is jealous of all his partner’s male/female friends is not “loving too much” he is insecure. A woman who continues to take back a lover who emotionally batters her feelings does not “love that person too much”, she just doesn’t love herself enough (which translates into having a self-esteem). 

The holidays are here and boy do I have a treat…well gift for you. Some of the most eligible bachelor’s you can find dish about their views on women, love and relationships. Our first man is Mr. Jahlil Mathis. Jahlil is a model who aspires to be the next Tyson Beckford. With his deep chocolate complexion, standing at 6’1, he makes ladies with a sweet tooth swoon. Pushing to be on one of the future covers of GQ Magazine, this native Philadelphian ain’t your typical “bull” (I LOATHE that word -_- ). His insight and fascination with women is one that will have you wanting not to just his body but his mind. Check out the interview below. 

What is your definition of a “bad bitch” ?

My definition of a bad bitch is an independent women who is a 10 in looks, face, and body. She works, has her own things, and doesn’t need a man to pay for anything or drive her anywhere. She has a man because she wants one not because she needs one.

What do you love most about women? 

What I love most about women is their ability to give birth, to carry another human being inside their body for almost a year, share their food, know the baby’s feelings, how their body transforms and then changes back, is seriously fascinating. Without women there’d be no world and I love that the most about them.

How can a woman impress you?

When she’s a challenge. I myself am very used to getting what I want or getting my way with a women in a relationship, so when a woman challenges me, it impresses me. There’s nothing better than a strong women. I love it.

Click to view slideshow.

What frustrates you the most about us? 

What frustrates me the most is the insecurity of women, they go off the mass media that men are dogs we all cheat e.t.c and thus most women being insecure in relationships because of that bias belief. Yes men cheat and do bad things but women do it just as much as we do. Were all human. So that insecurity is the worse of a woman to me.

When in a relationship, how do you make a girl feel special? 

In a relationship I make a women feel special babe being the gentlemen that I am, treating her like a queen. I send flowers to her work, leave letters on her car, cook breakfast in the morning things people only believe happen in movies when in reality its more simple and actually better than taking her out or buying her things because that’s materialistic, everyone likes a person who spoils them. But the things I do shows affection and feelings, which brings out the women’s feelings as well.

Do you think women are misunderstood or just crazy? 

Crazy lol just joking. No I believe women are misunderstood more than anything. a woman just needs to find that right man who understands that particular woman. It doesn’t matter if he’s a bad boy, good boy, rich or poor. If he understands you as a woman and who you are, then he’s the one for you. You guys are the brains of this world, without you guys we’d probably become extinct and not just because you give birth but because you’re the creatures that push men to be so great. Everything we do is to provide for our wives or families. We can’t make it without you guys. You’re the axis that makes this world go round. Women are just complex creatures, we just misunderstand you guys. Humans fear what they don’t know so we just call you crazy lol.

Nice save with that last Jahlil, the wolves would have descended if you went with that crazy option!

I hope you ladies have enjoyed part one of this series so far, trust me, there will be more to come. So if you’ve officially dropped out of cuffing season, redeem yourself with these cuties…consider it…my gift to you  

To discuss this further with Jahlil or if you’re interested in getting to know him, follow him on twitter @JahlilMathis . 

She was taller than me, brown skin, with medium length braids. As I stood listening to my Ipod her and her friends insisted on talking to us trying to “bag” one of my home girls. She starts a conversation with me because I am smiling and laughing at how taken back my friends are. She starts asking about if my friends and I have ever had any “girl on girl” action but the future sex therapist I was then, probed into her sexuality. I said, “Why are you gay?, You’re a pretty girl, you can get a man” (I want to kill myself for some of the things I used to say but I was young).  She said, that didn’t work out, pointing to the guy’s name tattooed on her wrist. From the look in her eyes, it was a tragic love story. I wanted to probe, but it wasn’t the time to play therapist nor did she seem like she was interested in talking about it anymore. A woman in man’s clothing, who was engaged to a man previously, she had quickly explained. Was she gay? Was she bi? or was she just hurt?

The recent “trend” of bisexuality has taken a lot of people by surprise. All of a sudden everywhere people are claiming to be bisexual and honestly it’s getting everyone a bit suspicious. By definition, bisexuality is the sexual and romantic attraction to both women and men. Different from Pansexuality, yes Pansexuality, in that they are exclusive to both genders but are not gender blind (like pansexuals). During my training as a volunteer sex educator, we dedicated a full 3 hour class to Sexuality. My instructor talked about several issues like how to talk to children having sexual identity issues and how we should view sexuality. She explained something called the “Alfred Kinsey Scale” which was a scale created to rate one’s level of hetero or homosexuality.

Alfred Kinsey was a Psychologist who interviewed tons and tons of people only to find out if there was actually such a thing as absolute orientation. His findings were astonishing! Based on the thoughts, feelings and behaviors the participants disclosed about their sexual and romantic history, Kinsey was able to conclude that majority of the population was not exclusively hetero or homosexual. Most people easily fell into the middle ground which is what we consider today as bisexuality.  Not many were categorized as completely hetero or homosexual. This study was done in the…..wait for it…… 1940′s -1950′s! So what do you think it would be today?

Now that bisexuality has become a new and increasing trend it seems that openly bisexual people are receiving a lot of backlash. In this day and age you are ostracized if you are either indecisive or indifferent. We are obligated to choose and choosing both is worst than not choosing at all. In our generation you must have loyalty to one or the other. I tweeted a few weeks ago ” You can like vanilla and Chocolate, chicken and beef, but not girls and boys? ” . It stirred some controversy but it was valid question. Trust me, I know there are a lot of posers on #TeamBisexual. They partake in bisexual behavior but they are not bisexual in orientation (there is a difference). Most posers are saying that just to get more attention, young guys love the idea of a bisexual girls, what used to run them away from you, now runs them into you. Even I used to tell guys, I have a girlfriend just so all hope would die within them, until they would respond with,”Is she cute?” * walks away*.  Point is you can not punish and label an entire orientation for the bad seeds it has produced. So let’s crush a few myths shall we?

“Bisexuals are confused”

It is true, that many people consider themselves bisexual when they are trying to figure out exactly what they are, which is only fair. For instance, if you are a man who has been involved with women your whole life and one night you kiss a guy and can’t stop thinking about him, this may cause some anxiety. People are only confused when they have to choose, but most bisexual people have decided they don’t have to choose. They just like both. Period.

“Bisexuals are Greedy”

Greed is act of selfishness, in that you want things just so no one else can have it. I have never met a bisexual person say, I’m bisexual because I don’t want any of these men to have women. Greed is when you acquire just for the sake of acquiring. It has nothing to do with being bisexual.

“Bisexuals are cheaters”

I wonder where people get this from. oh yeah, all of the straight people who act out bisexual behavior, like girls who kiss girls when they’re drunk while they’re boyfriend is watching, or saying things like “that’s my husband and this is my wife”. All things that imply being in a relationship with a bisexual person is polyandrous. I know a few bisexuals and they are not like that at all. They are exclusive with either sex. “Just because you like both genders, does not mean you have a free pass on cheating,” says a dear friend of mine. Bisexual people who choose to do that are representing cheaters not bisexuals because that is not something all bisexuals do, it’s something cheaters do.

I digress, into saying that if Alfred Kinsey is correct, then none of us are really straight, at least always exhibit heterosexual behaviors.  Most of us have bisexual tendencies, which is NORMAL! The team you should really be on is #TeamILiveMyLifeAndLetOthersLIveTheirs. Our society allows too often for labels to be used in a negative light. I’m sure the goal of Alfred Kinsey was not to offend but to expel the truth behind sexuality in general. We continue to ostracize each other, the hetero’s ostracize the gays,  the gays ostracize bisexuals, the bisexuals ostracize pansexuals and it keeps going. Alfred Kinsey, shut everyone up when he proved that….

Basically, we’re all gay.

For more information on the Alfred Kinsey Scale, check out the link below.

http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-hhscale.html

NaiOnLife…JOINTHEMOVEMENT

Now that “cuffing season” has officially began, I want to hit a topic that I have had to deal with in the past and even now. What do you when your best girlfriend or girlfriends get boyfriends???? You are either ecstatic that your friend has finally left the jerk she was with previously or hating the new jerk she’s with now. Despite how “hateristic” (nope, not a real word) and cliché it may seem us single girls miss our friends when they get a man, like I’m sure they miss us when we get one. I’ve even had one of my very best friends tell me “You can’t go get a man, I’m gonna need you!” So flattering, and so common for people to feel this way. Sometimes we will feel like we’re going to lose our friends and have to change the rules of our relationship. 

When your friend get a new boo, you have to be very considerate and cognitive about what that means. For some people, it means nothing because with or without their boo, they are still free as bird but most people are very cognizant of the fact they no longer answer to themselves alone. What I hate the most is that I have to think twice before I call and how late because you don’t want to interrupt “boo loving hour” and if they live together you risk waking up their boo with your late night convos, it’s too much to think about! And don’t even get me started on going out! You being the free single eagle you are, have to now follow your homegirl’s curfew, watch her not dance with anyone the crew and text her boo the whole time. 

If your friend’s relationship is unhealthy you are even more emotionally invested than ever. Being prepared for impromptu therapy sessions, getting late night calls with her crying, witnessing arguments. It’s like you’re watching “Baby boy” ALL THE TIME and frankly, I hate that movie (literally and metaphorically).  On top of all of that, suddenly being single is a new rash from Egypt that people think will kill them instantly and you end up in social exile due to “couples only events” .

So how do you cope? How do you tell your friend, I miss the single you, without sounding like an undercover hater. 

My solution, be out dating and seriously enjoying being single. It is okay to miss the single her but still enjoy YOUR single life. No matter what people tell you being in a relationship and being single have EQUAL pros and cons. Your coupled friends are so glad they have someone to hold them at night but your single friends are jumping for joy they don’t have to deal with the stress of trying to please any other human being other than themselves.

For my ladies in a relationship, it’s okay to be immersed into your relationship but it’s not okay to abandon your friends and overall lifestyle because you have someone new. It is very hard to keep it balanced but just be aware of the fact that the people who love you will miss your company. Be happy and feel blessed that you are surrounded by people who can not get enough of you! 

A very smart woman said, “Having your friends be in a relationship is a real test. It is a test of your friendship, personal maturity and womanhood.” So my advice, just pass the test  

Share your thoughts and experiences below.

Thank you for reading! 

NaiOnLife….JoinTheMovement