So I originally had no real intention of touching on personal issues in my life but I’ve been feeling the need to express this for some time. I am fat. Thicke. Plus-sized. Big. Chubby. Chunky. or as many of my friends would say just black. I am a lovely and absolutely fabulous size 14….the average size of the typical American woman but you would think I am a size 36 the way society tells it..
For a long time, I would never, ever talk about my weight because since I was young it has always been the one thing I thought stopped me from being beautiful over cute. And let’s face it, why would I make myself vulnerable in a society where I’m already the minority. I have never been skinny…I can’t even remember a time when I was ….oh yeah…I was 4, got really sick, so weak, and frail I almost died. BUT I WAS 4!! no one’s body is really set up for itself at that age. So to my recollection I have always been “thicke”, as I call myself because all other terms straddle the line of down right offensive.
All of my friends were/ are skinny from how I see it. So I never imagined them having body issues or issues with men none the less. I have always allowed the fact that I’m the AVERAGE size 14 get in the way of amazing opportunities, especially with men. I have let GORGEOUS men, who are clearly flirting with me or in pursuit of me go; or my favorite not even pursue a gorgeous man thinking to myself, “I’m a size 14 and he’s a size 4 kind of man”. The logic in that? There is none but insecurities don’t have the make sense their mere presence is enough to catch your attention without requesting logic.
I’ve had it set up in my mind for so long that until I’m a “sexily thicke” size 10, there is no way I can be with someone! So needless to say my dating life had been on pause especially with the lingering presence of an affliction (blog on those coming soon). Always being the thickest one out the bunch, also always made me feel like the ugliest girl on the planet. I accepted being that friend, the one who doesn’t go after the cute guys or dresses too flashy and defaults to being the “mom” of the group. And to this day I have really think about why I would be selling myself short because I don’t look like the rest of the girls in the club…I don’t think like them either so should I be ostracized into my own mini-minority, NO! this is AMERICA.
I never wanted to be a part of the “big girl” community, everything about it was negative because it was fun and games. “You’re cute….never beautiful,” “Cool….never sexy,” “A homegirl…never a lover,” but no one ever talks about it. Out of all the conversations I’ve ever had about weight, it has never gotten this deep, and that’s because we are just not ready for this yet.
After the pining, crying, wishing, hoping, praying I could just wake up with a body that makes me beautiful..I’ve come to a few realities. I’m healthier and work out more than a lot of the skinny people I know, I have a passion for good food and wine, I am not the only size 14 in the world ( because my size is always sold out), and frankly “thicke” is slowly coming back in style like light-skinned boys :)*raises glass to the sugar cookies…momma loves you* ……and I don’t want to miss that train.
I’m not sure how therapeutic this was for me but hopefully someone else…another sexy size 14 got something out of this. This is not a bash on skinny girls! This is however, nothing more than a quick synopsis of what I’ve felt as size 14…it’s nothing more…and nothing less than a personal story.
“You are too beautiful to settle for things you know don’t deserve you, and too ignorant to see and accept the things that do”
NaiOnLife…Join The Movement 🙂