“A Personal Story”

So I originally had no real intention of touching on personal issues in my life but I’ve been feeling the need to express this for some time. I am fat. Thicke. Plus-sized. Big. Chubby. Chunky. or as many of my friends would say just black. I am a lovely and absolutely fabulous size 14….the average size of the typical American woman but you would think I am a size 36 the way society tells it..

For a long time, I would never, ever talk about my weight because since I was young it has always been the one thing I thought stopped me from being beautiful over cute. And let’s face it, why would I make myself vulnerable in a society where I’m already the minority. I have never been skinny…I can’t even remember a time when I was ….oh yeah…I was 4, got really sick, so weak, and frail I almost died. BUT I WAS 4!! no one’s body is really set up for itself at that age. So to my recollection I have always been “thicke”, as I call myself because all other terms straddle the line of down right offensive.

All of my friends were/ are skinny from how I see it. So I never imagined them having body issues or issues with men none the less. I have always allowed the fact that I’m the AVERAGE size 14 get in the way of amazing opportunities, especially with men. I have let GORGEOUS men, who are clearly flirting with me or in pursuit of me go; or my favorite not even pursue a gorgeous man thinking to myself, “I’m a size 14 and he’s a size 4 kind of man”. The logic in that? There is none but insecurities don’t have the make sense their mere presence is enough to catch your attention without requesting logic.

I’ve had it set up in my mind for so long that until I’m a “sexily thicke” size 10, there is no way I can be with someone! So needless to say my dating life had been on pause especially with the lingering presence of an affliction (blog on those coming soon). Always being the thickest one out the bunch, also always made me feel like the ugliest girl on the planet. I accepted being that friend, the one who doesn’t go after the cute guys or dresses too flashy and defaults to being the “mom” of the group. And to this day I have really think about why I would be selling myself short because I don’t look like the rest of the girls in the club…I don’t think like them either so  should I be ostracized into my own mini-minority, NO! this is AMERICA.

I never wanted to be a part of the “big girl” community, everything about it was negative because it was fun and games. “You’re cute….never beautiful,” “Cool….never sexy,” “A homegirl…never a lover,” but no one ever talks about it. Out of all the conversations I’ve ever had about weight, it has never gotten this deep, and  that’s because we are just not ready for this yet.

After the pining, crying, wishing, hoping, praying I could just wake up with a body that makes me beautiful..I’ve come to a few realities. I’m healthier and work out more than a lot of the skinny people I know, I have a passion for good food and wine, I am not the only size 14 in the world ( because my size is always sold out), and frankly “thicke” is slowly coming back in style like light-skinned boys :)*raises glass to the sugar cookies…momma loves you* ……and I don’t want to miss that train.

I’m not sure how therapeutic this was for me but hopefully someone else…another sexy size 14 got something out of this. This is not a bash on skinny girls! This is however, nothing more than a quick synopsis of what I’ve felt as size 14…it’s nothing more…and nothing less than a personal story.

“You are too beautiful to settle for things you know don’t deserve you, and too ignorant to see and accept the things that do”  

ledisi-Pieces of Me

NaiOnLife…Join The Movement 🙂

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8 Comments

  1. can i just say i love you!? nai you were always there when i would come in crying about the way i looked and felt and they story was always the same… the one you just told above. im glad you got this out and i love you for it!!!!

    1. Yes I remember trust me! I hope you have some piece with it as well my love! and thank you so much for your support..it means the world 🙂 BTW I love you more!

  2. [Just thought that I should actually comment on the ACTUAL post =) ]

    I ♥ that u shared such a personal issue…and I too have felt the same way….i am the biggest out my closest group of friends and at times i do feel like i too let opportunities slip away. Just wanted to let u know ur not the only who feels like this

  3. Nai you are beautifullllll! beyond cute! I am a size 14 though I may be taller I still feel some of the things you feel! I hope this post can leave all of the negativity behind you. Girl you better go out and get you some Hot amazing guy and not hold back ❤

  4. Dear Nai,

    I like what you have penned down about being chubby, or ‘thicke’ as you put it
    Fortunately I do not belong to this ‘big guys’ group’ but i can see what they go through in social environment. A chubby guy/girl is more open minded and friendly than a skinny one. May be this is because of their confidence that comes from physical security they can give to themselves. They are more open with opposite sex and other people feels much more emotionally secure around them. But at the same time they themselves prefer to remain in their shell, they don’t spill out their feelings in front of others try to put others before themselves act as big bro/sis.
    My analysis may or may not apply to you cause i’m from an absolutely different culture. but the root to this behavior what you have put up above and what i am now saying has come from greater physique that is common to all homo-sapiens

    Your reply shall be appreciated!

  5. U should never want to b anymore slimer than u r now. Thick girl is best size to b; not too small not to big. I call thick girls, perfection cuz the represent the balance of life. Also I love n feel n heaven girl yur body type. Stay the way u r.

  6. I love you so much for sharing such a personal side of who you are, Nai. You are fearless, and brave my dear. As my dear friend, I can say that I feel closer to you. This was never a conversation you and I had, but I get it. You are beautiful because you fit a real woman’s size. You are beautful, because even at your craziest moments honey, you still shine like the Queen you are. You are beautiful, because you help others see what they don’t see in themselves. All of these traits make you sexy girl, and you can drop it like its hot?! Girll, they don’t know. I miss you. I think of you often. And I am proud to have you in my life.

    Love,

    Simone

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