As you guys may or may not know, I am a faithful reader of Essence magazine. In fact, my friends and I refer to ourselves as “Essence Women” because we’re all aspiring to be successful, stylish and amazingly fabulous “career girls” (said like Vita Boheme from To Wong Foo).
This month’s issue featured an article that aimed to dispel all the what seems like, down right ridiculous, relationship rules. Originally, this post was going to give you my complete and utter distaste for their advice on these rules, but since I lost my magazine and have no way of remembering every single rule, I’ll just talk about the ones I remember and the ones plaguing our generation.
Rule one: Do not tell your partner about how many sexual partner’s you’ve had. …(Should you?)
Essence Mag said, lie or try to avoid the question all together, I totally DISAGREE, obviously. I do not believe that under any circumstance that you should lie about the amount of people you have had sex with. Anyone who has any problem with you having too many or too few sexual partner’s is not the person for you…period. I personally, have experienced this. Someone I was dating told me that they had lost count but they knew it was over 50. I was floored because we were still in our upper teens. I could not believe it, and it almost made me run for the hills but the situation was very complex and frankly, how could I, a virgin, judge someone else for their number, knowing the ridicule I get for mine. I cared for that person enough to just let it go. I had to understand that, if I could not accept them for their past long ago, I did not deserve them. There is no number too big or too small, that should shame you. Lying and avoidance is not at all an option, if the man/woman you’re dating is willing to leave you over your number, they are not the one, period.
Rule Two: Never date a friend’s ex.
Essence Mag said, Honestly, I forgot but It it had a lot of specifications, in the end I disagreed. What I say is, at least for 20 somethings, we hold on to the people we talk to for dear life! I don’t know why, but we just do. I am guilty as well, with specific cases. Now frankly, there are not that many men around to be holding on to them forever, especially, if your interactions were not very significant. Now I do not believe dating ex’s is cool, because honestly, my partner is the ONE thing I do not want in common with anyone I know. However, for the people you were talking to and do not like, in a romantic way and have obviously put into the friend zone, put them back on the market where they belong! I’m not saying go hook your friends up with all the guys you don’t like but set them free once you realize they are not for you. You have no claim or right to them, once you BOTH have established you do not like each other “like that”. So do not get made when you see him/her with someone new, if you didn’t like them, you shouldn’t care!
Rule Three: It’s not okay to check your partner’s phone.
No, it’s not. I have said this countless times, if you are already at the point of checking someone’s phone, Facebook messages, twitter DM’s or anything that needs a password. The trust is already broken. Whether that person gave you a reason to believe they are unfaithful or not, if you strongly believe in your heart your partner is cheating, 9 times out of 10 they are..UNLESS you yourself are jealous and insecure, then it could be JUST YOU. Once you start, you won’t stop and why compromise your relationship’s trust? Don’t worry if they are cheating, it will ALL come out to the light, I promise.
Rule Four: You can’t bring your boo everywhere you go
No, you can’t. Thank God none of my friends have done this to me because I would flat-out say, why does your man come with us everywhere???!!!! I don’t care, I will risk sounding like a jealous, hating, single friend because it will quickly become inappropriate for your boo to be around your friends all the time. As a friend, sometimes you just want to hang out with YOUR friend, you do not want to feel like a third wheel, or like you can’t talk to your friend about the things you usually do. To my ladies who do this, it is flat-out annoying. Please try to understand that before your boo, you had a life of your own, and your friends miss having JUST YOU. I understand your time is already spread thin now that you have to juggle your friends and your partner, but you have to know what outings are appropriate. All girl events, are not for partners even if you’re a lesbian, because your relationship will change the entire dynamic of the group. Try this, all day with the girls/boys, all night with the boo; All day with the boo, all night with the girls/boys….rotate accordingly, mesh sporadically.
Rule Five: You can still be friends with your ex.
It depends. I think some people can still be GENUINE friends with their ex. Everyone’s relationship doesn’t end on bad terms, some end with mutual understanding, and with that, genuine friendships can arise. However, you have to be able to differentiate what type of relationship you have with your ex. If it’s it, “if things were different, we could try again” (Hell NO), if it’s the “I love you as friend and see you as an old elementary school crush” (sure), or if it’s the “I don’t want you emotionally, but you give great head” (ABSOLUTELY NOT). If your ex still has feelings for you or vice versa, it’s best to leave them out of the equation, eventually, it will put you in the position to choose between past and present, and that’s not something you want to do. If you are that ex that knows you can’t friends, don’t push yourself for something you are not emotionally ready for just to be apart of that person’s life, (trust me I tried, it failed, DON’T DO IT), if you are the person in a relationship, do not think that all your ex’s JUST want to be your friend, some have an ulterior motive….. ruining your life, for instance. You have to know what is to stay in the past, join you in the present, and what is to meet you in your future, it’s difficult but possible.
All of these things are great tools to think about but it is no insult to me, if you choose not to live by them. As long as you follow, William’s rule of life, your relationships will blossom or whither as God intends them to….. and that rule is…”To thine own self be true”. You will never go wrong in anything, if you follow that one simple phrase.