So my life started to get a little lack luster and by lack luster I mean boring. I was on a steady journey to finding my happy but I was emotionally numb and neutral to pretty much everything. I didn’t want anyone, no one wanted me and I was okay with that. However, I still had some of those, “I miss my ex” episodes, which I felt was deeply hindering my happy place.
One sentimental thought and a weak moment later. I had decided after several months of absolutely no contact (not even the stalking of social media pages, on my part,) I was going to make contact with enemy . I don’t really know why but I felt like there was just some unfinished business and I wanted it dealt with. I felt the need to clear the air, to release the negative energy, to finally let it all go with no bad blood..I guess.
So I did it, I sent email stating nothing more that a “I hope you’re doing well, and apologize for my part in our last big blow up”. The next morning, I woke up to an email that said, ” Text Me Please”. The please did it, so I tried to remember the number that I thought I would never forget and the next thing you know I had sent a reluctant yet anxiously excited “Hey” .
That conversation, which we had decided would be our last turned into several text conversations and a few phone calls. It moved so quickly. Despite the flirtatious messages, I held my ground. However, my ex, ( still in a relationship mind you) would be obviously annoyed at my strength. So I slowly found myself just giving in. Saying what I knew my ex wanted to hear and what would lead to more opportunities for me to receive a copious amount of accidental compliments.
My ex, please remember, still has a girl but I didn’t want to know anything about her. I didn’t want to know her name, age, anything about their relationship. I was completely uninterested because frankly, I didn’t care. This was about me, getting my fix of excitement from a situation that has never promised any emotional gain. I didn’t even want to know about their relationship issues but found myself often giving relationship advice. It was an interesting position to play, one I don’t recommend, but it was a test of maturity for me. Needless to say I passed. The more we talked, the less and less attracted I became. It started all going away, which is what I always wanted but boredom kept me playing this sick and twisted game.
I was not at all even trying to sustain a relationship with my ex, but we were “friends (I say this so sarcastically)”. We were having morning conversations, and texting all day and flirting but we were just FRIENDS, we were talking about the past and how the future had the possibility to be so much better but we were just FRIENDS, we even planned a trip to Philly to hang out which I cancelled due to the events explained below) since we were JUST FRIENDS. Now smart Nai, educated Nai, Wise Nai, NaiOnLife knew my ex was doing all these things to sabotage the relationship with the new girl, and trying to use me as a way out. My gut was telling me to keep a safe distance but pay attention, that all of this was going to someone get me out of that emotional rut I was in.
As life would have it, like a Tyler Perry film, someone else close to me was going through the other side of my situation. My beloved friend, in a relationship where she felt second to her girlfriend’s ex girlfriend. Hearing her frustration over how my ex was dealing with me was hurtful because in her relationship, she was the girlfriend. And if that wasn’t enough for my nonexistent conscience, My other friend had suspected her girlfriend was on cheating her, due to several inexplicable behaviors. It was clear that even if I didn’t care and kept this situation for my own personal enjoyment, God was saying Nai, ” It’s Done”. It wasn’t about the girlfriend, It wasn’t like I was trying to take my ex away from her, I just needed some easy to attain attention. I would never deal with someone with a girlfriend outside of this situation, so why is it with my ex those morals were so easily left abandoned? It was a wake up call. After my friends made my ex’s girlfriend real to me, I realized it was time to just cut my loses.
I attempted the first time but my ex was not having it at all. Saying things like, “If you lived here, we would be” and “I want to keep you in my life”, so I set boundaries. Two days later, my ex told me we had to talk, and I knew what it was about.
Ex: “I don’t think we can talk anymore” Me: (Insert stale face here) “I said that two days ago”. A few statements later the conversation ended with me saying, “I hope everything works out for you guys and remember what I told you (during our counseling situations)”.
And just like that, with a few messy conversations after that, we were done. What I learned from this is that, an idle mind really is the devil’s playground, however there is good in everything. I wasn’t allowing myself to be fully happy because I thought I was missing out on being with my ex. It wasn’t until I had my ex that I realized, “nope this isn’t it either”. I still felt numb and neutral, no compassion, no joy, it was just something to appease my boredom.
My advice, when you have those moments of “staleness”, like life is just boring. Don’t look to others for that kind of fulfillment because at some point you will realize they won’t make you happy either. Happiness comes from progression not regression. However, if ever you find yourself on the verge of being a home wrecking loser like me, I hope you catch yourself before you do something Karma is going to hold you accountable for.
Life is too short to waste time on serving accidental acquaintances ( Like Ex’s) when you could be making memorable mistakes with your soul-mates.
BTW, my ex is still with the girlfriend and I am FINALLY, genuinely back to my happy place.
Thanks for Reading !